CHICKS

Since the beginning of my senior year i have really wanted a pet duck. However after doing some research on them i found out they do not make great pets. Primarily because they do not have a sphincter. For those of you who do not know the sphincter it is the muscle that allows you to hold in your shit until you can make it to a bathroom. So as you can imagine a pet without a sphincter would not be pretty. Anywho i started thinking back on my last experience raising a farm animal.

It took place in early elementary school. Our class was going to be raising chicks. We got the incubator and eagerly waited the weeks for the eggs to hatch. It very painstaking staring at these eggs waiting for them to hatch since after they hatched each of these students would have the opportunity to bring them home for the night. They started drawing names for the dates of when we could bring them home. They saved the first 3 days for the end. My name had not been drawn yet so i was excited as could be. I didn't care whether i got the chick 1st 2nd or 3rd at this point i was going to be happy either way. That was until i looked at who the other kid was in the running. the kid was an unorthadox, clumsy 120 pound 1st grader. This kid probably looked at these chicks as a 5 piece meal from McDonalds. I was now freaking out because if i didn't get to take these chicks home before this man child i might never see them again. The kid would probably be as gentle with the chicks as Lenny was with the kitten from Of Mice and Men. Thankfully got picked first. I was happier then Oingo Boingo at little girls beauty pageant. I took the little fuckers home and played with them all night. I went to sleep with a smile on my face knowing i did my job well and that i was going to return these chicks to the class safe and healthy. However the fairytale ending took a horrible turn when i woke up to the horrfying screaches of the little chicks. This was followed by loud meow from my cat. I ran down the stairs faster then christmas morning. What i saw next was a scene that no child should ever have to see. There were feathers everywhere and it looked like a crime scene. My cat walked by me like nothing happened. The poor little chicks were everywhere. They didn't stand a chance. I didn't know what to do. In 30 minutes i was suppose to be returning these chicks to the class. I debated trying to pull a switch-a-roo but there was no time. If went to a school for the blind i would have pulled dumb and dumber and ductaped them backed together, but that was out of the question. I put Stewey, Hughey and Louie back in the box and proceeded to go to school that day. You would have thought it was the day after the Columbine shooting and we were in Colorado or something. There was no sympathy for me, nobody cared i suffered emotional damage beyond repair. Anyways i guess what they say is true: 1 in the nest is better then 2 in the bush.