I SERIOUSLY HATE TWITTER...for now

As I said in an earlier post I really have no idea what twittering is. Now that I sort of understand the concept, I still don't understand the complete fascination with it. I will say I initially hated facebook but now im constantly creeping on the book, so there is a chance I may come around to twitter. However as of where I stand now I hate twitter and anyone who twits is a fucking twot in my book...unless your famous, then its just keeping in touch with your fans. However lets take 2 recent cases that have made headlines based on "twittering".

Case #1 Headline: "Man gets robbed after tweeting he is on vacation"

Now this one doesn't really bother me, basically the guy updated everyone with the tweet:

On May 24th, Izzy:
We made it to Kansas City in one piece. We're visiting @noellhyman's family. Can't wait to get some good video while we're here. :-)

followed by the rather hilarious text 4 days later:

Well, it's confirmed. Someone stole my Mac Pro and two displays while I'm visiting relatives here in Kansas City.

Now ill be honest, I am completely guilty of informing people im on vacation, hell the whole reason this blog exist is cause I was away from my home. In fact I was giving you updates as to where I was. However there is one big difference here, I don't own my own fucking house. I live with my roomates who were not on vacation. Also in the article it says that this guy has his twitter linked to his facebook so it automatically updates his facebook page as well. Not only this but he posted his phone number too, and for those of you who are internet challenged, if you have someones name and number, you can find out where they live.

I read like the first three comments on this story and I found this one pretty hilarious: Heck, in Atlanta he could Tweet that he was at home with a state of the art home security/surveillance system and a Blackwater USA militia standing guard, and some thug would STILL come in to get his flat screen.

CASE #2 Headline: Jogger hits tree while tweeting, Hurtles toward global infamy. (actual photo of the guy)

Basically the story is "He was jogging to work and tweeting on his BlackBerry when he cracked his skull against a low-hanging branch." and now the mother fucker is getting his 15 minutes of fame.

Now this guy fucking piss me off. As I said earlier I think celebrities should use this. I mean I wouldn't mind knowing what Jessica Biel is doing at all times. However I could give two shits what my friend is doing at ALL times. This dude thinks that his life is so fascinating that he needs to tweet while on a jog. Thankfully God was looking down at this guy and was like "you got to be shitting me, I distinctley remember creating you as an average human being" so as this dude starts tweeting while jogging and so God instantley grows a tree branch out from the nearest treet and splits this guys head open. Seriously this made my day. I would pay lots of money to see this video or be there when this happened.

Hey buddy heres an idea, how about you tweet "going for a jog" and then if something real crazy happens on your jog you start your next tweet with "while i was jogging..." instead of "so im jogging right now and.."

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE PERFECT GIRL....

I think I speak for many of men when I say that there are times in life when you think you have found "the one." She has it all...looks, intelligence, a sense of humor, trustworthy...etc. However at the exact moment that you think someone is perfect, things begin to fall....and fall fast. Its like God got distracted when he was creating the whole "perfect woman" concept. For example I guarantee that Adam was obsessed with Eve and considered her perfect however after Adam finally bangs Eve a few times and the sexual rush begins to fade, he noticed that her pinkie toe was longer then the toe next to it and was like maybe this girl isn't perfect after all. This leads to him yelling at her the next time he sees her for never picking up the garden of Eden, and then after a heated argument Adam storms off and in defiance, begins eating the sacred apples. By the time god comes back to finishing the concept of "the perfect woman" he notices that shit has hit the fan and although he comes close to fixing things, he realizes that now finding the "perfect woman" will be next to impossible.




Your probably thinking two things right now....1) great point kev, but more importantly 2) sounds like someone just got their heartbroken

well Ill be honest I didn't get my heart broken but I did get my hopes up. I came across this ad on craigslist (I swear I was just looking for an amusing post and not actually trying to find a girl on craigslist).

Young, talentless, clumsy girl with no drive or ambition seeking someone to be obsessed with since I apparently have no other reason to live.About me: I am a clingy, dependent high school student originally from Arizona, and my parents each have personality disorders which seemed to have been passed on to me. I am a hollow shell with no personality what-so-ever, save the occasional sarcastic remark that every other despondent teen comes out with once in a while. I drive an old, ugly-ass pickup truck that Tom Joad would turn his nose up at. I have no interests or hobbies. I also can't go anywhere without attracting every male in the vicinity, regardless of my lack of redeeming qualities.

What I'm looking for: A beautiful young (haha) vampire who SPARKLES! That's a must. Sparkling. Because vampires don't wither and die in the sun or anything like that. He must also be cold, heartless, strong, beautiful, perfect, and willing to put me down every few sentences. Comments about how clumsy, cowardly and stupid I am really get me fired up. We must also have no chemistry at all, and you must be willing to fling me around like your little rag doll.

I really want a beautiful man, er, vampire with beautiful skin, a perfect nose, beautiful eyes, a beautiful voice, and the perfect stern face that will quickly put me in my little place. If you can hold out from touching or kissing me for the first few months of dating, like some conspicuous religious analogy to abstinence, that would be totally awesome.

Don't bother e-mailing me, please stalk me and watch me while I sleep. I won't think it's weird at all, since I'll be too obsessed with you to care about my own health and well-being.

I mean this is the shit im talking about. This girl has ALL the characteristics of the "perfect woman" and although she left no contact information, im confident I could find this girl on facebook within the hour. However im scared, Im scared that as soon as I convince myself this girl is the "perfect woman" things are going to get weirder then this girls fantasies. I mean all the hardwork of getting in touch with my inner vampire and the time it takes me to read the entire Twilight series, and watching the complete DVD set of Buffy the vampire slayer...will all be worthless. Ill be back to the drawing board. So although I have yet to find a flaw in this girl, im going to stay away in fear of getting hurt..

OFFICE PAPER TO TOILET PAPER MACHINE

Tokyo-based Nakabayashi offers everything from bookbinding services, child car seats and office products. But the newest (and certainly coolest) product of the 2,000-man company is an in-office machine , which turns used copier paper into toilet rolls, right there in the office. Brillant.

The toilet paper machine is able to produce two rolls per hour from around 1,800 sheets (or 7.2kg) of used A4-sized paper, which would have usually been just thrown away. At 600kg, it seems to be a dangerously massive piece of hardware.

Distribution in Japan begins in August and Nakabayashi wants to sell 60 units in the first year. Good luck with that, as each machine comes with a price tag of $95,000. Unfortunately, there is no information on operating costs yet, but I can’t imagine these being in proportion.

I really don't know what to make of this. I think you need to tell these people what you tell your child when he or she does something very dumb with good intentions. I mean the idea is interesting and could be great for the economy but it just seems extremely innefficient to me. Its able to produce 2 rolls of TP every hour, with 1800 sheets of paper. Im sorry but thats A LOT of paper. Then you get to price, $95,000 could buy you a lot of rolls of toilet paper. I mean I think it would take until the year 3046 until you finally spent 95 grand on toilet paper. By then im pretty sure toilet paper will be obselete anyways.

There are benefits though, I mean how badly have you sat at work and wanted to just wipe your ass with the bullshit (no pun intended) paperwork you have to do. If I could make toilet paper rolls with just the work that I did, I would be shitting every hour on the hour. However even in the best case scenario that you can afford the machine, and have tons of paper lying around, and have room for this colossal structure....how quality could the toilet paper actually be. I mean im not sure if TP has thread counts like bed sheets but I can only assume that office paper converted into toilet paper would be about a thread count above sandpaper and as thin as tissue paper. This is the type of toilet paper that you mummify your hand with it in fear that the TP is so thin it will break. My final fear with this invention is who is operating this machine. Cause if its just a free for all, lord knows the type of things people would stick in there....cardboard, paper with staples still in it, old food...etc. I mean as a little april fools prank I might send a few poison ivy leaves through the machine. All im saying is I think the there is a lot of downsides for an extra 2 rolls of toilet paper...

BIKER GANGS RECRUITING "RETARDS"?!?

Bikers recruit retarded people - Politiken.dk

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first off, im not sure its proper to call them "retards" that word tends to create some controversy. However not only did they use it but it felt like they went out of their way to use it so many times. Second this is a pretty genius plan. Now im not even trying to be funny here, but if a group of leather covered biker gang retards came emerging from the dust I would shit my pants. I mean like the article said they are the "ideal candidates" since they "have no inhibitions and are unable to feel empathy towards their victims" Scary thought to think that these people can be easily brain washed. I don't know about you, but I think this is an issue that needs to be addressed immediatley.

THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP.....

Well I think my "get rich quick" scheme just fell into my lap (and then raised slightly off my lap). I mean who says you got to come up with an original idea. All you gotta do is find something like this bikini coffee shop and bring it to where they don't have bikini coffee shops. I bet starbucks shit its pants when it saw this. I mean seriously, Do you really want to go to starbucks and order a 9 dollar coffee only to feel like a douchebag when you say "large" instead of "grande"? NO!, i want to go to Kev's Koffee shop where there are beautiful women in bikinis who "talk to you...ask you how your days going, care for you as a friend." I mean this is a no brainer here, were in a fucking recession and this guy is cleaning house. Granted a few bitter old dykes would refuse to go here, but trust me the line would be out the door. I mean employees would be begging to make coffee runs. It would no longer be the "interns" job but the CEO's privelage to go on a coffee run here. Im not a big coffee drinker but lets just say, if this "Hooters" of coffee shops opened this would be me

WHICH COMMERCIAL IS BETTER?

WHICH ONE OF THESE COMMERCIALS IS BETTER

1

OR

2)

Either way it just proves that America is just way too strict on what is publicly acceptable and what isn't cause if there were more commercials like this on TV it would be a lot more entertaining.

INMATES TO DO TOUR DE FRANCE???

NANTES, France (Reuters) - Close to 200 prisoners will cycle around France next month, watched by scores of guards on bicycles, in the first penal version of the Tour de France, authorities said Monday. The 196 prisoners will cycle in a pack and breakaway sprints will not be allowed. They will be accompanied by 124 guards and prison sports instructors. There will be no ranking, the idea being to foster values like teamwork and effort. It's a kind of escape for us, a chance to break away from the daily reality of prison," said Daniel, a 48-year-old prisoner in the western city of Nantes, at the official launch of the event. His last name was not given."If we behave well, we might be able to get released earlier, on probation," he told reporters.

The prisoners' Tour de France will take them 2,300 km (1,400 miles) around the country, starting in the northern city of Lille on June 4 and stopping in 17 towns, each of which has a prison. However, participants will sleep in hotels. The finish line will be in Paris, following Tour de France tradition. "This project aims to help these men reintegrate into society by fostering values like effort, teamwork and self-esteem," said Sylvie Marion of the prison authorities. "We want to show them that with some training, you can achieve your goals and start a new life," she said.


ummmm is this for real? There are so many things wrong with this I don't know where to start. Ok lets have 200 people who have been court ordered to live behind bars, be temporarily freed so they can ride a fucking bicycle around France? The first mistake is that they plan on having 124 guards for 196 prisoners. However I guess everything will be alright since they have a "rule" that there will be no break away sprints. Well I hate to tell you folks but the reason these people are here in the first place is because not only do they break "rules" they break "laws." You don't think one of these guys are gonna go Lance Armstrong on the pack and try to take off? Just listen to what the prisoner is saying "its kind of an ESCAPE for us..." "a chance to break away.." Hell the guy just broke your "break away rule" before the race even started. He is practicaly confessing that its a chance to break away and escape prison. Also perhaps they take the least violent guys in the prison and throw them a few drugs to calm them down, can these guys really ride 1400 miles on a bike? I mean I know you say theres no "break away sprints" allowed but what about the old "im out of shape cause ive been in prison for 12 years ill lag way behind" move. Im just not sure the training facilities in this prison are adequate enough for the tour de france. Im no bicycle enthusiast, in fact other than Lance I couldn't name you a single rider, but from what i grasp its a slightly challenging course. I look forward to 30 years from now when the movie BREAK AWAY SPRINT, the true story of 196 prisoners who escaped prison while being given the chance to do the tour de france, comes out.

I mean when is France going to get with the program, that the best way to get inmates to learn the values of "effort, team-work and self esteem" is to have them learn and act out Michael Jackson's Thriller...